(Minghui.org) Hello, Master and fellow practitioners,
I’ve recently discovered a very deep attachment and notions surrounding it, and would like to share my experiences.
During my cultivation path over the past several years, I always thought I had a handle on what my fundamental attachments were: jealousy and finding happiness through romantic fulfillment.
It was only until recently that I realized that, in fact, there are deeper notions that have been the real causes for so many behaviors in my life that I am only now starting to unpack.
The story begins with my childhood.
People who know me today probably wouldn’t recognize me as a kid. My personality, at least on the outside, was very different. I was sensitive and I lacked self-confidence. I was shy, anxious, and fearful. I don’t think I was a fun child to be around. I know my mother spent more time on me to try to encourage me to develop more self-confidence and come out of my shell.
Basically, fear was a big attachment that drove my personality when I was a child. On top of this, my home environment was very unstable because my parents got into verbal and physical fights a lot, which clearly hit upon this attachment. My siblings and I were all terrified of my father.
As I grew older, I learned various coping mechanisms to superficially mask and deal with this underlying fear. Each of these coping mechanisms was effectively adding more human notions and attachments to the underlying fear. Adopting communist ideas, especially feminism, was a major way in which I masked the fear.
Master said,
“What is a fundamental attachment, then? Human beings acquire many notions in this world and are, as a consequence, driven by them to pursue what they yearn for.” (“Towards Consummation,” The Essentials of Diligent Progress II)
In a nutshell, as I became an adult, I constructed a mountain built with new notions on top of the attachment of fear, which became buried deep down below. I’ve now realized that I’ve constructed my entire adult personality around trying to feel safe and avoiding situations that make me feel vulnerable.
Much of my cultivation in the past few years has been about identifying and removing the notions at the upper layers of this mountain, such as competitiveness and jealousy. But it seems like my recent cultivation in the past year or so has been more focused on addressing fear, but it wasn’t until very recently that I realized how deeply-embedded and pervasive this attachment is.
I’ll give a few examples of my realizations of the ways this attachment has manifested in my life.
Master describes the foolish person as one who is enlightened in the true sense of the world:
“A foolish person is unlikely to do major wrongdoing among everyday people, and neither is he likely to compete and fight for self-interest. He does not seek fame or lose de, but others will give him de. Beating him up and swearing at him will both give de to him, and this substance is extremely valuable. In our universe, there is this principle: no loss, no gain. To gain, one must lose. When others see this very foolish person, they will all verbally abuse him, “You’re such a fool.” With this verbal abuse, a piece of de will be thrown over there. By taking advantage of him, you are the gaining side, so you must lose something. If one walks over and kicks him, “You’re such a big idiot,” well, a big chunk of de will again be tossed to him. When someone bullies or kicks him, he will only smile, “Bring it on. You’re giving me de all the same, and I’m not going to reject a bit of it!”” ( Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)
The core of this fundamental attachment is a fear of being hurt or taken advantage of. I never ever want to be the “foolish person,” because they will get abused.
To ensure that I never get hurt, I developed extremely strong notions about how I should be—basically, always in a position of “strength” and never in a position of “foolishness” or “weakness.”
My pursuit of “strength” fostered extreme competitiveness and jealousy. I wanted to be better than other people across every domain: competence, intelligence, likability, and more. I used to think that my strong desire to be better than other people came from pure jealousy and competition. But now I realize that a lot of this desire is actually driven by fear of what happens when I’m not better than other people. If I’m not better than other people, it means that I’m inferior; It means I’m weak; It means that I’m vulnerable—It means that I’ll get hurt.
By subscribing to this human and communist idea of “strength,” I was able to put on a facade of invincibility on the surface while being extremely fragile and vulnerable on the inside.
This is the exact opposite of the true principles as described in the Fa. Also in Lecture Nine, Master describes what I believe is true strength:
“Someone has said, “If tolerance is practiced to such an extent, everyday people will say that we are too cowardly and too easily taken advantage of.” I do not call it being cowardly. Think about it, everyone: Even among everyday people, those who are older and those who are well-educated also emphasize self-restraint and they refrain from quarreling with others; then shouldn’t it be even more so for our practitioners? How can it be taken as being cowardly? I say that it is a reflection of great forbearance and an expression of strong will. Only a practitioner can have this heart of great forbearance.” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)
As I’ve become more attuned to this attachment and work to remove it, I’m starting to realize that my true strength, especially as a woman, lies in being very soft towards other people. This softness is a kindness, and the reason for being this way is to help other people and to put other people first.
As a mid-manager at work, I often have to deal with colleagues who are angry, upset, frustrated, stressed, or even hysterical. I’ve always found it very difficult to deal with people who are emotional or exhibit negativity. It would always bring me down, and the feeling was as though I was being dragged down with them in their negative emotions. But I felt that I couldn’t figure out exactly what attachment was being hit upon.
After discovering my fear complex, I finally realized that what was in fact happening was that people who exhibit negative emotions make me feel really unsafe. Part of this is linked to how, as a child, my father would be extremely emotionally unstable, and being on the receiving end of that was really scary.
The other day, a colleague was really stressed about fixing a piece of work on a tight deadline, and they were projecting their stress onto me. I’ve always hated it when people project their stress onto me, and I finally understood why. My reflexive reaction in these instances is often to fight back and tell off the person to try to force them into not exhibiting those emotions. But this is really just a defensive move to mask the fear that I feel when I have to deal with this negativity.
I’ve long recognized that I harbor a deep desire to find “happiness” through finding “the one” or my partner in life. Much of my cultivation over the years has been a continual process of removing various layers of this attachment and modern notions surrounding romance, love, the relationship between men and women, etc.
I always felt that what lay at the heart of this attachment was a simple desire or notion to find happiness and fulfillment in my life. But again, after discovering the fundamental attachment, I realized there was another dimension to this pursuit. I realized that finding a husband represented the most perfect form of safety for me. Finding a man means finding ultimate safety and security.
Discovering this was such a revelation. It’s remarkable to realize that what was driving this desire was actually something so simple.
After enlightening to the above, I feel closer to reaching my true self. Although the overwhelming sensation I have is an immense sense of gratitude towards Master for patiently waiting for, and helping me on this extremely bumpy path of my cultivation.
Master said, “Later on you will understand what I have given everyone.” (Lecture One, Zhuan Falun)
Master expresses this so simply and straightforwardly. While memorizing this sentence recently, I felt as though I understood the depth of this sentence and I was overcome with an enormous sense of gratitude. I don’t think the human language is capable of adequately describing what Master has given practitioners and sentient beings, and neither are there words to express our profound gratitude for Master’s deliverance.
I would like to end by conveying my deepest thanks to Master for his compassionate care and arrangements. I will strive to do better in ridding myself of my remaining human notions and attachments, so I can better fulfill my vows and return to my original purity and innocence.
(Selected article presented at the 2026 Washington DC Fa Conference)