(Minghui.org) I have practiced Falun Dafa for more than 20 years. It took me a long time to progress from a perceptual understanding of Dafa to a rational understanding, and along the way I missed countless opportunities to improve my xinxing. From the bottom of my heart, I feel deeply sorry that I failed to live up to Master’s compassionate arrangements and the expectations of sentient beings.
I would like to share my cultivation experiences over the past two years with Master and fellow practitioners.
After returning home following the persecution I suffered under the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), I resolved that I should memorize Zhuan Falun and use the Fa to guide myself at all times.
My husband is kind-hearted, but he had been deeply poisoned by the CCP’s lies. He would not allow me to have contact with other practitioners. I knew that he was afraid I would be arrested again.
During the time I was away from home, my husband endured a great deal. He stayed awake night after night, thinking about how we had built our life together from nothing, how good I had been to him, to his parents, and to everyone in his family. He cried. He wrote me a long letter and had someone take it to the detention center, but I never received it. My husband told me about it after I returned home. I thought to myself, “I must improve, be twice as good to him, and I must cultivate myself well and let him see the beauty of Falun Dafa.”
But I didn’t have a copy of Zhuan Falun. How could I memorize the Fa? While my husband was away from home, I went to a practitioner’s home and borrowed an electronic copy. This allowed me to study the Fa, memorize the Fa, do the exercises, and send righteous thoughts normally. I realized that I couldn’t keep doing things secretly, because that would not be good for my husband either. So I deliberately let him know that I was studying the Fa.
When he found out, he became furious and asked me, “Do you want your family, or do you want Dafa?” I told him that I wanted both. He said, “Then get a divorce!”
I told him, “No matter what happens, I will never divorce you. If you truly want a divorce, there is nothing I can do about it, but my kindness toward you will never change.”
I continued to study the Fa and do the exercises as usual, and I remained calm. My husband never mentioned divorce again.
In the past, I had a strong sense of resentment toward my husband. Whenever a sensitive date approached, he would become afraid. If he called and couldn’t reach me, he would sometimes yell at our daughter, causing her to suffer insomnia and anxiety. I resented him. I thought, “He won’t listen to or look at the truth, but only listens to the CCP’s lies and propaganda.”
When he felt unwell, I would tell him to silently recite, “Falun Dafa is good, Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good.” But when he didn’t listen, my resentment would again surface. I thought: “This is such a wonderful practice, and it doesn’t cost a penny, yet you won’t listen. You spend so much money and still suffer.” As a result, whenever I spoke to him, I was not kind at all. There was no compassion in my words.
I also had a strong sense of resentment toward him in many other matters. Whenever my husband went to the market, he would come home with so many vegetables that there was barely room for them in the refrigerator. Sometimes I complained that he had paid too much or that he had bought poor-quality vegetables. In one way or another, I could always find a reason to resent him. When he received a phone call while driving, he would answer it immediately, which was dangerous. I would criticize him: “You’re retired now. What could be so important? Can’t you pull over and answer the phone?” He would become upset and say that I was always finding fault with him. In my eyes, he could never do anything right. I would still get angry and resent him for not knowing what was good for him.
My daughter had initially been very supportive of my cultivation. Once, when I was clarifying the truth, I was reported to the authorities. After my daughter and son-in-law learned about it, they moved all of my Dafa materials to a safe place. My daughter did not blame me at all. But after a few incidents occurred, she stopped supporting my cultivation. After my mother, who was also a practitioner, passed away, my daughter blamed me for not taking her to the hospital.
In 2015, after I participated in filing a lawsuit against Jiang Zemin (the CCP leader who initiated the persecution of Falun Dafa), the authorities did not directly approach me. Instead, they went to my daughter’s workplace, causing her great embarrassment. She was convinced that there was no way an ordinary person could stand up against those in power. From then on, she stopped listening when I clarified the truth, and I became resentful toward her as well.
I asked myself, “Am I still a cultivator? Haven’t I become just like an ordinary person? How can I save people this way? My family members are also sentient beings. With such strong attachments, how could the evil not take advantage of my gaps?”
I resolved to eliminate this resentment. I studied the Fa more, memorized the Fa, studied Master’s lectures given in different places, listened to Minghui Radio programs and other practitioners’ sharing articles, and listened to The Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party and The Ultimate Goal of Communism. I held myself to strict standards in every thought, word, and action.
It took me more than two years to gradually eliminate this resentment. Now I no longer feel resentment toward my family, other practitioners, or ordinary people. As soon as it begins to surface, I can recognize it, catch it, eliminate it, and improve. From the principles of the Fa, I came to understand that this resentment is not truly me. I have also eliminated much of my jealousy, sense of elation, a show-off mentality, unwillingness to take criticism, and negative thinking. In the past, whenever these attachments arose, I usually judged right and wrong according to ordinary people’s standards. Now I can measure things against the Fa.
Whenever my husband says something to me, whether right or wrong, I first restrain myself and refrain from arguing or defending myself, then I look within according to the Fa to see what attachment I need to remove, and then I eliminate it.
Once I gained a clearer understanding of the Fa principles, I began to regard my family environment as the best place for me to cultivate and eliminate attachments. With family members, there is no need to put on a facade; we tend to say exactly what we think. In the past, whenever conflicts arose, I treated myself as an ordinary person and insisted on determining who was right and who was wrong. If I continued that way, I would never improve.
Once I had a dream in which I was giving someone an injection. There were several kinds of needles, including a long needle with a hook. I thought, “How am I supposed to use this?” Later, I saw that I had used one of the needles to give an injection to a child. After I woke up, I thought, “What is Master trying to enlighten me about? Is there anything I have not done in accordance with Truthfulness?” There must have been something, but I couldn’t think of what it was. What did the hooked needle mean? Was Master hinting that I needed to truly cultivate and genuinely practice cultivation?
I now understand that when a conflict occurs, simply enduring it does not mean that one has cultivated well. That is only the first step. I must understand from the Fa principles that a conflict is helping me eliminate karma, transform black matter into white matter and virtue, raise my level, and build a ladder for me to ascend to Heaven. I should sincerely thank the person who has created the conflict for me. Only then can I truly cultivate myself.
I understand now that when I studied the Fa but could not see its deeper principles, it was because I had not truly cultivated myself. These days, when my family members say something to me, I no longer argue, harbor resentment, or criticize them. Instead, I look within and cultivate myself according to the Fa. Only when I put this into practice am I truly cultivating.
Recently, I noticed that my husband and daughter have changed; my son-in-law has changed as well. My husband has been doing well, and his temper has improved greatly. On two occasions, the community office and the police station called him to ask about me. He told them, “She’s fine. You people have nothing better to do. Don’t call me again.” He said it without getting angry.
Now, when I do the exercises or send forth righteous thoughts, he doesn’t disturb me. Sometimes, if we were out eating and returned home late, he would say, “You can send righteous thoughts in the car. It’s time.”
In the past, my husband couldn’t understand why I refused to take a cell phone with me when I went out. Whenever he couldn’t reach me by phone, he would become angry, and sometimes he would even say things that were disrespectful toward Master and the Fa. So I bought an inexpensive senior-friendly cell phone. Now I don’t carry that phone with me either, and I no longer use WeChat. At first, my husband struggled to understand, but gradually over time he became accustomed to it.
One day, after drinking, he said to me, “Don’t think I don’t know. You go out every day to clarify the truth.”
I did not deny it, and thought to myself, “It’s better that you know. If you don’t oppose me, it will be good for you.”
Another time he asked me, “Did you clarify the truth to a teacher?” When I acknowledged I did, he didn’t respond.
I am determined to eliminate all kinds of attachments—including attachment to fame, gain, and emotion—one by one. Only by seriously eliminating every attachment can I return home with Master.
If there is anything in my understanding that is not in accordance with the Fa, I respectfully ask practitioners to kindly point it out.