(Minghui.org) I started practicing Falun Dafa in May 1996, but I was not diligent in cultivation. I read a bit of Zhuan Falun every day. Although I did not see the deeper meanings in the Fa principles, I still continued to read every day. At that time I did not interact with other practitioners.
In June 2010 I had a sudden urge to contact other practitioners, and I was soon able to do so.
At that time, we usually listened to Master’s lectures and Minghui Weekly on MP3 players. But we lacked practitioners who had the technical skill to solve some problems. I wanted to learn these technical skills so that I could help. After a while, Master arranged for me to meet a practitioner, who helped me to meet even more practitioners. During the process of learning technical skills and experience sharing with these practitioners, I was very motivated by their noble thoughts. I noticed gradual changes in my thinking.
As I studied very little Fa, my thinking was at a low level. Whenever I had xinxing tests, I would confide in fellow practitioners. One older female practitioner was very patient when I talked to her. She would analyze the situation for me and use Fa principles to guide me. After talking with her I was usually able to see my shortcomings on the spot. She also frequently encouraged me to follow Master’s teachings, “read the book more and study the Fa a lot.” (“Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Switzerland”) But I did not realize the importance of studying the Fa, and I did not take her advice to heart.
I gradually began to feel that this was a perfect arrangement. Not only did I have the accompaniment of a fellow practitioner, I also improved very quickly. Without realizing it, I became dependent on her. Later, whenever I was going through xinxing tests, I would be uncomfortable if I did not get a chance to confide in this practitioner. It got to a point where it felt like if I did not talk to her, I could not get past the tribulation. She kindly reminded me, but I did not take it to heart. I was lazy and did not want to look inwards to find the reason. Sometimes when I could not find her, I would look for other practitioners to confide in.
When tests came, I did not first think about solving them myself. I would rely on other practitioners without a second thought. Thus I did not cultivate myself solidly and did not pass each test thoroughly. Sometimes the test was repeated many times and would drag on for a long time. Master told us that there are no shortcuts in cultivation. I realized that I should look inward whenever I met with conflicts. I must cultivate myself and enlighten to the Fa principles myself. But I had taken the wrong path from the start.
The following incident made me realize that my situation was not appropriate.
My personality is different from my husband's. He's predictable and unassuming and I didn't like his personality. But I know that Fa principles do not allow practitioners to divorce. I picked on him frequently. Although our relationship did improve after I cultivated for a while, I was still very displeased with him in many ways. My husband was kind but not good at expressing himself. Whenever he's angry with me, he will not express his anger. One night around 10 p.m. during the Chinese New Year holidays, he came home after meeting clients.
Using the excuse that he was drunk, he began to verbally abuse me. He said many horrible things. I saw that he was drunk and I was very calm. I sent righteous thoughts quietly in my heart, but I was full of human thoughts and my thoughts were not righteous. I was afraid that the neighbors would hear us. I was afraid that he would become irrational. Thus I tolerated his behavior. I understood that it was not the real him, but I should not allow him to continue to slander Master. Thus I sent righteous thoughts to clear the evil things behind him.
Because my xinxing level was not stable, he made a din for two long hours. I wondered why sending righteous thoughts did not work. I was confused. It wasn't until I sent righteous thoughts at midnight that he suddenly became quiet. At that time I understood that it was not that it was not effective. If sending righteous thoughts were not effective, what other horrible things might he have done. As I slept on the sofa, thoughts of being bullied, blame and hate and ending my marriage all kept coming to mind.
The next morning, I didn't want to stay home, because I didn't even want to look at my husband. I decided to go to my work unit. I wanted to go there to study the Fa. Actually, I wanted to meet another practitioner to confide in. As I pushed my bicycle, I wondered who I should ask to meet. It was the Chinese New Year holiday and no one would have time to talk. If I looked for the practitioner I always confided in, she may not be home. If I went to practitioner A's place, her husband may be home so she would not have time. If I looked for another practitioner, she was so much older, would she understand me? Furthermore I didn't want to disturb her.
Who could I look for? I was depressed and suddenly remembered practitioner B. She is usually free and she could often guess my thoughts. She would definitely be able to help me. Thus I quickly phoned her. But she said that she was busy that day and wasn't able to meet me. Even before I put the phone down, I was already crying and my voice was muffled. I had such a horrible experience but I had no one to confide in.
I arrived at my work unit filled with depression. I opened Zhuan Falun and read quietly. As I read, the Fa principles started to make sense to me. I suddenly understood that the reason why I could not find any practitioner to confide in was because Master wanted me to improve on my own. For a long time, I had confided in practitioners and used that as my sharing process. I thought this was a good method because Master taught us to share our cultivation experiences. I would ask for comfort and guidance without a second thought and assumed that this was the right behavior because Master wanted us to help one another. But I did not realize that Master also said,
“You must practice cultivation and become enlightened on your own. If I tell you everything, nothing will remain for you to cultivate.” (Lecture Nine in Zhuan Falun)
I felt as if I had awakened from a dream.
Compassionate Master arranged for fellow practitioners to help me pass the tribulations in the initial stages of cultivation, but I could not continue relying on other practitioners this way. Now I needed to learn to walk my own path. I must understand the Fa principles in a clear way and improve this way. Master wants us to use the Fa as our guide. As long as I am guided by the Fa, I will be able to walk the rest of my cultivation path well. I will definitely be able to succeed.
After going through many tribulations and tests, I have become more rational and mature. Now when I'm faced with tribulations, I'm no longer nervous. Many times, I first think about the Fa principles, and try to recall what Master said. I learned that I should first look inwards and search for my shortcomings. After identifying my attachments and impure thinking, I try my best to reject it and dissolve it. At that moment, the tribulation seems less difficult and I'm able to pass it.
As my xinxing improved continuously, I had a special feeling in my heart. A kind of joy slowly emerged from my heart due to this elevation. This joy showed naturally on my face. I understood what cultivation is and what solid cultivation is. When everyone is sharing experiences, I also talk about the process of how I passed my tests. Now, my mindset is different. When fellow practitioners saw the change in me, they were happy for me. This is real experience sharing. Although I did not do well on many occasions, I deeply know now how to walk my cultivation path well.
I thank Master for His compassionate salvation and thank fellow practitioners for their selfless help.
Category: Improving Oneself
